Laughing While Crying

           Having a sense of humor has always been extremely important in my family. One cannot survive my family unless they have the ability to laugh at dirty jokes, bodily functions, and the horrors and quirks of life and death. At some point as a teen, I realized that not all families operated in the same manner that my family did. Therefore, I took to warning new friends about my family before their first meeting. More often than not I found myself saying, “I just want to let you know that sex and bodily functions are dinnertime conversation in my house, so don’t be shocked and horrified when the two topics come up; which they surely will.”

My friends almost always laughed off my warning; not really believing my family could be so uncouth. It wasn’t until dinner was in full swing and the topic of condoms, or STD’s, farts, or bowel movements made their way into the conversation that I would glance over at my friends who were sitting wide-eyed in shock. Despite their initial shock, it never took my friends long to feel comfortable joining in our dinnertime conversations, laughing along with my family. Many of my friends found my house very freeing, using my family to discuss those topics that were forbidden in their own houses.

One particular friend came over to discuss her menstrual cycle and all the “joys” that it brought her. She never ceased to inform us of when Aunt Flow and Uncle Red were visiting her. Laughing about it was our only reprieve.  Another friend and I suffered through our mothers’ hilarious laughter regarding boobs and pubes.  Laughter transformed the pain of puberty into a ridiculous faze; one to be laughed about rather than be ashamed about. 

Growing up, I would often ask my mother what first attracted her to my father. Her reply never changed. “He made me laugh,” she would say. It was laughter that first attracted me to my husband. A hilarious human being, he has always had the ability to make a dark situation light. Without his sense of humor the pain of infertility would have been unbearable. The post-partum depression and anxiety I have suffered could have ended in a painful separation. But through all the difficulties that come with a fourteen-year marriage he has made me laugh, reminding me of its importance.

Most importantly, however, has been our ability as a family to laugh collectively, not only at ourselves, but also at the awkward, the difficult, and the ridiculous. Laughter has bonded our family in indescribable ways. Ways that only those who know the power of laughter can understand.

The Ups and Downs of Facebook

 For the past several months, I have felt conflicted regarding Facebook. It seems that every time I log on lately I am bombarded by depressing, anxiety inducing news articles. An Ohio teen recently died from a rare brain-eating amoeba she contracted while in swimming in North Carolina. Violent pornography was found on Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch. A Tampa teen was found dead after a night of drinking and LSD. Four young girls were killed after the tire of the car they were riding in blew out, flipping the vehicle and resulting in their fatalities. An alligator at a Disney resort drowned a two year old. Then, of course, the never ending headlines regarding the Orlando shootings. I am confronted with the ignorant bigotry of Donald Trump, and the refusal of politicians to protect the citizens of this country. These are the news stories that glare at me from my screen. As I scroll through my news feed, I also run across article after article about children dying from rare diseases, cancer, and simple colds. All this death, destruction, and bigotry is making me sad, anxious, and completely fatalistic. There are days I dread what I might find is my perusal of this seemingly harmless social network.

            And yet, I continue to sign in. I continue to do so in the hopes that I might find a newsworthy article that is uplifting, funny, inspiring, and attempts to restore my faith in humanity. But I also continue to sign in because of you, my friends. Facebook comforts me when I am feeling my most lonely. It allows me to share bits of my life with you, and feel like I am a part of your lives. I get to watch your children grow, celebrate your successes and mourn your failures. Facebook, very simply, keeps me connected.

            How then do I resolve the conflict I feel between hating the negative news and loving the connection I feel to each of you? Limit my time? Ignore the news? I’m not sure that there is a simple answer to what seems a complicated question. For now, I will do my best to focus on the positive, laugh heartily when necessary, and do as Mr. Rogers recommends by looking for the helpers.

            

5 Reasons I Encourage My Children To Tattle

A couple of weeks before school let out for the summer, my oldest daughter, Lucy, came home somewhat upset about the fact that her friends were mad at her. Apparently, her friends were doing something (what in particular I don’t remember) the teacher had, on a previous occasion, told them to stop doing. Lucy, knowing they were wrong in their actions, told her teacher, who in turn dolled out the necessary consequences. Knowing Lucy was the one responsible for their punishment, her friends decided they were going to shun her, at least temporarily.

I was, quite frankly, unconcerned with her friend’s reactions. I was, however, proud of Lucy for speaking up not only against bad behavior, but particularly against her friends whom she cherishes.

            Lucy and I had quite a lengthy discussion about tattle telling and secret keeping. I know many parents that can’t stand tattling and make it quite clear to their children that tattling is not a good thing, but rather an annoyance. I take a different approach. I encourage my children to tattle for the following reasons.

1.      Tattling promotes communication.

Keeping an open line of communication between my daughters and I is extremely important. I want them to feel as if they can come to me with any problem, no matter how big or small. This open line of communication furthermore, allows us to have easy conversation regarding difficult topics.

2.      Tattling develops trust.

I want my daughters to feel trusted and to trust me. If they feel that tattling is but an annoyance they will be wary to come to me with problems and will eventually stop coming to me altogether. I want them to know that I trust their judgment and that they can trust me with their “secrets”.

3.     Tattling discourages secrets.

I do not want my daughters keeping secrets from me or anyone else, especially as they get older and secrets can become damaging or life threatening. I want them to openly communicate their joys, discomforts, and worries. I also want them to protect their friends by sharing with a trusted adult any secrets their friends may hold that are harmful.

4.      Tattling discourages bullying.

In a world full of bullies, I want my daughters to stand up for themselves and their friends by telling adults of such behavior. A bully is much more powerful and can inflict much more damage when their behavior goes unchecked.

5.     Tattling allows me to reinforce our family’s values and morals.

When a situation arrives like the one Lucy encountered and the lines of communication are open, I am able to have honest conversations about what we believe is right and wrong, good and bad, reinforcing those values and morals that we as a family cherish. I can only hope that both my daughters will embrace these values and morals and surround themselves with individuals who do the same.

I know that Lucy, and Lily for that matter, will, in the future, experience conflicts with friends and foes due to tattling. However, I hope that all these conflicts can be solved with open communication.

There's Nothing Like a Sick Kid to Trigger My Anxiety

            Last week Lily contracted, what I thought was a small stomach bug. Slight diarrhea, a day without an appetite, and a small fever for a couple of hours. The diarrhea lasted a couple of days, though her appetite returned and the fever disappeared. However, her stool, a week later, though not diarrhea, is still not back to normal and this morning she not only had no appetite again but also spiked a fever again. Two days ago, I felt like I had contracted a bit of her bug, and I have worried all week about Lucy getting sick. The Lorazepam that I try only to take in situations of extreme anxiety has been on hand all week.

I realize that most mothers worry when their kids are sick. If they don’t worry, they pretty much think having sick kids sucks.  I on the other hand don’t just worry I fret, I sweat, I practically hyperventilate. Some of this reaction is just a normal part of my anxiety. However, some of the heightened anxiety is due to having a child with a chronic disease.

What most people don’t realize about diabetes is that it is affected by the slightest changes in the body. Lily’s sugars can spike or drop depending on hormonal changes, heat, mood/stress, or illness. Stomach viruses cause low blood sugar. Bringing those sugars up can be challenging when she is unable or unwilling to eat. Fevers cause high blood sugar, which if gone unchecked can lead to diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA), the state Lily was in when she was first diagnosed and resulted in a three-day trip to intensive care. These facts alone exacerbate my anxiety, but the unpredictability of the disease, the dependence on numbers leave me on the verge of weeping, upsets my stomach, and can, if I let it go unchecked, render me incapable of taking care of my daughter.

Even though I don’t necessarily have the same reactions when Lucy gets sick, I worry just as much. Horrible stories of children who have died as a result of simple diseases constantly circulate through my thoughts. Lucy’s own anxiety over getting sick contributes to my heightened anxiety.  I ask too many questions about how she is feeling, hover too much, Lysol frequently, and become a general annoyance to her and everyone in the house.

Having sick kids just doesn’t suck it consumes every aspect of my mental and physical health. So the next time you see me lecturing my children about washing their hands, or disinfecting every surface known to man, you can laugh, but do so empathetically.

Playing Well With Others Is Not My Forte Part 2

        Back in October, my oldest, Lucy decided that she wanted to give Girl Scouts a try. What attracted her to the notion, I am not sure, but she got it in her head that Girl Scouts was going to be the thing for her. Being a child who thought Girl Scouts was nothing but a group of clicky nerds, I was not anxious to sign her up. I avoided finding a troop for Lucy for nearly two months before her incessant nagging forced me to act. Eventually, I found a troop two minutes from our house and we began attending meetings. Before I knew it we were crafting, hiking, and selling cookies with a vengeance.

Lucy has been having the time of her life making new friends and earning badges, which I regularly have the joy of ironing on her Brownie vest, while up until recently, and the arrival of a couple of new mothers, I have struggled to make small talk with the other parents and adopt the positive attitude toward group activities promoted by the Girls Scouts and Lucy’s troop leaders.

You see, it is common knowledge that I neither like to nor am I good at playing well with others. This glaring personality trait often leaves me on the outside of large social circles, a loner due to my inability to tolerate the inefficiency, drama, and heap of steaming crap that almost always are inherent in group relationships.  I have learned over the years not to subject myself to large social circles and activities involving groups. It is, quite frankly better for everyone involved that I stick to my small social circle and myself. Girls Scouts, however, has not allowed me the solidarity that I am so comfortable with and has left me on more than one occasion miserable.

Lucy’s troop sold enough cookies this year that they earned a trip to LEGOLAND. Her troop leaders, the girls, and many of the parents found this news exciting. I almost immediately began dreading a group trip to a theme park, and on a Saturday no less. As the days went by and the discussions around the logistics of the trip became more and more detailed, I began looking for every excuse under the sun why we couldn’t and shouldn’t go and verbally expressed my concerns to Lucy. Lucy, however, would not be swayed.

Therefore, this morning we set off for LEGOLAND, with my anti-anxiety pills in my bag. The trip was everything I imagined it would be. A complete cluster-fuck, in which Lucy ended up melting down after an hour because of the rigidity of the rules involved. The most annoying of which were the inability to separate from the large group of 13 girls and their parents, and the troop leaders insistence that the girls spend every waking moment with the buddies they were assigned, not those they would have chosen themselves. After 3.5 hours with a total of 4 rides and one show under our belt even Lucy had had enough. We opted instead for lunch outside the park and a relaxing evening at home.

I was once again reminded that playing with others only brings me misery and that not even my anti-anxiety pills can take the edge off.