I’m struggling this morning.
Struggling to move. Struggling to find motivation. Struggling not to cry. I’m
simply struggling.
Knowing why
I am in this place would be helpful. However, I myself am at a loss as to why I
am struggling so terribly this morning. Maybe it is once again the grueling
routine of school after a long break or it could be the burden of a messy house and never-ending
laundry. Maybe it is just this overwhelming feeling of being alone with a pile
of responsibilities I don’t want to face. Whatever it is, I am having a hard
time lifting myself up, both physically and mentally.
I made
myself a Chai Tea Latte this morning in the attempt to cheer myself up, this
usually does the trick; however, today it was ineffective. I decided to get out
of the house for a bit, running errands at Office Depot and Target in order to
distract myself, again, ineffective. I even ordered myself a Smoked
Butterscotch Latte at Starbucks hoping a double shot would do me good. I came
home and did a bit of organizing in Lucy’s room. I fetched the mail (I even
received a package I have been anxiously anticipating for a month), opened all
the doors to let fresh air in, and cleaned the counter to the best of my
ability. I have done a series of small things that usually help to improve my
mood. Short of exercising, which I have no desire to do at the moment, I have
utilized a variety of coping strategies. Instead I sit here fighting back
tears.
At some
point in the next hour I will have to leave to pick up Lily. I dread the hour
and a half that exists between Lily getting out of school and Lucy getting out
of school. An hour and a half I usually enjoy walking and playing with Lily on
the playground. I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to exercise, even
though I know I need to. I don’t want to do anything but sit on my butt in a
state of pure laziness. I even dread this evening’s chaos. Getting dinner,
entertaining Lily while Lucy is at aikido, the bedtime routine. It all seems so
overwhelming today. Obviously I need a break, but when, and how?
