Being Present

 My greatest struggle in life is being present. Present for myself, my children, my husband. Present in my own life. Of course, some days are easier than others. Today, however, I have struggled.  I felt the vast distance between my life and me the minute I woke up this morning.  Whether the result of a poor nights sleep, the daunting task of unpacking my house, or a lingering loneliness in this town devoid of support, I know not. However, tears have threatened all day, spilling over once or twice in moments of frustration, anger, and sadness. I took an unusually long walk this morning, in an attempt to clear my mind, to feel some ounce of normalcy. It didn’t work. As a result, I wandered around the house, staring at boxes, unsure of where to begin, therefore, not beginning at all.

 Exhaustion sets in on these days. When I wasn't wandering around the house lost, I spent my time sitting on the couch staring absently at Facebook, while Lily watched her IPad. I finally fell into a half slumber after picking Lu up from school. The girls, sensing my mood, sat quietly sharing Lily’s IPad. After several pleas from the girls to go outside, I forcefully pulled myself up, my mood less than amicable. I found myself snapping at Lu about the heat and my exhaustion when she asked me to play badminton, unable to give even the smallest ounce of energy and myself.

On these days, I forget to eat or eat inordinate amounts of refined sugars, only enhancing my exhaustion and bad mood. Today was the latter. My lunch consisted of a chocolate croissant combined with Hershey kisses dipped in peanut butter. I still feel toxic despite eating a healthier dinner, one that consisted of salad and a chicken and broccoli roll.

The worst part of these days is my inability to connect with my children; my inability to interact in a positive manner.  I am overcome with guilt and sadness, as I watch these days pass. I feel a distance between us, even as they long for love and affection, and I worry that this distance will grow and become an unsurpassable chasm. It is my greatest worry and a source of great pain.

My only hope is that tomorrow will be better, that tomorrow I can feel more present, more positive, more energized. I pray that these days don’t negatively affect my relationship with my girls, that they know how desperately I love them and how desperately I want to be present.