F*ck Bedtime

 As I give my girls a five-minute heads up before bedtime, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As I listen to them argue with me concerning turning off their Ipads, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As I confiscate their Ipads, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As they complain about being hungry and needing a snack before heading upstairs, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As they begrudgingly trudge upstairs, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As I wrestle my five year old into her pajamas, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As I argue with my ten year old over brushing her teeth, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As I corner my five year old in order to brush her teeth, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As I tell my ten year old to once again brush her teeth because a 30 second pass over isn’t sufficiently brushed, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As I wait what seems like eons for my five year old to choose 3 damn books, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As I listen to my ten year old whine that she wants to be read to too, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As my five year old interrupts me every two seconds as I am reading to her, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As I listen to the girls argue about whose turn it is to be laid with, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As I explain for the millionth time that they must take turns being laid with, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As I lay listening to both girls ask endless questions, interrupting each other, and arguing about who has the right to speak, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As I shush them both time and time again, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As I tell them to go to sleep, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As I feel my five year old squirming next to me for 15 minutes, all I can think is, “Fuck bedtime.”

As I listen to their breathing soften and slow, all I can think is, “FINALLY bedtime.”

Taking A More Postive Position

            I am not naturally a positive person. Of course, it can be hard to be positive when it is Monday, when I woke up numerous times during the night, and faced nightmarish dreams during short stints of sleep. Continual sleep deprivation doesn’t help me fill my glass, rather, it empties it. Nevertheless, I need to work on being more positive.

            I too often see the worst in people, expect the worst from people, and think the worst will always occur as a result of interacting with people. For example, I experience extreme anxiety driving here in Florida because I don’t trust that anyone is paying attention. Everyday numerous accidents occur leaving me paranoid and unwilling to drive anywhere but to the girls’ school and home again. I even experience anxiety on my morning walks. I distrust anyone I meet along the way, thinking that they want to do me harm in some way, shape or form. My thought process isn’t logical or even sane at times, but then negativity and anxiety are very rarely based in reality.

            I love the Ellen DeGeneres show and though I don’t have time to watch it in full each afternoon due to snack time and homework time, I catch up by watching snippets on the Internet. I love Ellen because she is always so positive. She frequently features ordinary people making small but impactful differences in the world and in their communities. I more often than not tear up while watching her show. I cry because I wish I could walk through life like Ellen and her guests, believing that good will always win, love will always conquer.  Instead, I feel the darkness envelope me.  

            Positive thinking, I know requires mindfulness. For someone like me, who naturally sees the worst in everyone and every situation, it requires hard work and dedication. I am working hard to see the good in others, including myself. And I am working hard to see the good in this world of negative energy and individuals. I am working hard to combat the anxiety, and I am working hard to find the helpers, because as Mr. Rogers always stressed in every tragedy there are helpers, looking for them is the key to being more positive.

Children - A Crash Course in Chaos

           Bills, knick, knacks, pens, pencils, discarded shopping lists and coupons cover my kitchen island. Dishes are piled on the side of my sink, drying. On any given day, my sink is full of dirty dishes. The portrait windowsill in my kitchen contains water bottles, thermoses, and salt and pepper shakers. I enter my dining room only to find the girls’ art work strewn all over the table, as well as the pens they used to create said art. My living room floor contains the Barbie Pop-Up Camper, several dolls and the few accessories to the camper that the girls have managed not to lose. Shoes cover the entryway, as well as bags, and a basket overflowing with magazines. Taking a trip upstairs, I notice numerous Perler beads scattered around the playroom floor, the result of Lu’s upcoming business endeavors. Bins that should be neatly tucked away in the closet are haphazardly strewn around the playroom floor. Entering the girls’ room, I am greeted by last nights reading material on the floor and the looming shadow of the Barbie Dream House, which has several dolls thrown into it, the result of a hasty late night clean up. Looking at my house, no one would ever believe that I am actually a very organized individual.

            Children create chaos. I despise chaos. I like everything to have a place and a label. Having things organized calms the chaotic workings of my mind. A messy house causes me to crawl out of my skin and often insights rage. Chaos creates anxiety. Anxiety causes depression. Depression causes anger. Anger causes me to lose my shit with the girls regarding their inability to pick up as they go, their penchant for creating a mess, playing for 10 minutes then walking away, and their obstinate whining when privileges are revoked for not picking up.

            I have implemented numerous strategies in an attempt to get the girls to clean up. All seem to work temporarily, but none have persisted. The messes keep multiplying, the girls keep resisting. My anger keeps rising.

            It has become so frustrating that I don’t even want to clean my house because I know that the minute the girls arrive home from school clean will turn to dirty and the organization I work so hard to maintain will, within minutes, be completely undone. I constantly straddle the line between not giving a shit and grasping tightly to the notion of how I would like my house to appear.

            So what is the answer to my dilemma? How do I ease the anxiety, depression and anger without being a controlling neat freak? Right now, I just want to throw all the shit out!

            

Body Positivity

I read a lot of articles these days about body positivity. Articles written by models that in the height of their modeling careers were excruciatingly beautiful and possessed out of this world bodies. Many of these models have since gotten out of modeling. They have aged, gained weight, and gained perspective. One such model posted before and after photos on Instagram showing herself during her modeling days, thin and glamorous, and showing herself today, still glamorous but rather plus sized. In her post, she describes how she had always equated happiness with thinness, but has realized over the years that being thin does not buy happiness. She is, in fact, happier now in her plus sized body than she ever was thin. Every time I read these articles, I am hit with a tinge of jealousy.

Today I am heavier than I have ever been and feel more unattractive than I ever have. With age has come the death of my metabolism. Combine my age with depression, anxiety, two kids, little time and little motivation and what has resulted is 15 pounds in extra weight. Stress combined with little sleep has left me with a permanent crease between my eyebrows and ever-darkening circles under my eyes. Though my acne has been under control for the past 6 months or so, due to numerous creams and oral medications, pregnancy left me with pigmentation changes giving the appearance of scarring.

A couple of days ago, while browsing my Timehop, I came upon a picture I had posted from my high school graduation. In it I look fresh, beautiful, hopeful, and confident! Even my wedding photos show me happy, healthy, and full of life. As the years have passed, the light has slowly but surely drained from my eyes. My appearance has become more haggard, and my expressions less joyful. Life has taken its toll on my appearance.  Or maybe I have just ceased to care to the same extent I used to. Whatever the reason, today, I rarely post photos on Facebook of myself because every time I have one taken, or take one myself, I think I look awful and am too embarrassed to share.

I wish I could have the same confidence as the body positive models that I have been reading about. I wish I had the energy to care more. I wish I could accept my stretch marks, cellulite, and rolls. I wish I weren’t so tired, stressed, and depressed about my body. I wish I could focus on the positive, those things I still like, such as my full lips, and blue eyes. I wish I could not only do these things for me, but also for my daughters, whom I preach body positivity to, but struggle to embrace myself.  I wish the light that is buried deep inside me could sneak past the darkness and be reflected each morning in my mirror.

10 Things That Make Me Smile

 As I wandered around Target this morning, I felt a deep satisfaction. When I left with a Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino in hand, my heart felt happy. This is part of a 30-day stress relief challenge. 10 Things that make me smile, in no particular order.

1.     Target – How can one not love the environment and products that Target displays? Though the store has the ability to bankrupt my checking account, it make me feel deeply satisfied while doing so.

2.     Pumpkin Spice – Pumpkin spice chai, pumpkin spice Frappuccino’s, pumpkin spice donuts, if it has pumpkin in it, I’ll eat it and do so happily.

3.     Fall Weather – Though we don’t get to experience much fall weather here in Florida, every once in awhile the weather acts like it wants to be fall, it just doesn’t know how. Yesterday was one of those days. A cool breeze blew and shadows seemed to lengthen. Unfortunately, it was still hot as blazes, but those whisperings of fall were there.

4.     Hallmark Movies – I had the rare opportunity to sit and watch two Hallmark movies, yesterday. Though completely formulaic, and utterly predictable, I love that each love story ends with a happily ever after.

5.     A Long Nap – I rarely get to nap anymore, but when I do there is nothing more satisfying then dozing off in the middle of the day and waking up feeling refreshed and ready to finish the day.

6.     The Sound of My Children Playing Nicely Together – I love listening to my children playing together nicely. When their wild imaginations wander freely but in sync with the others, I experience a moment of satisfaction.

7.     Talking to my Mom on the Phone Each Morning – Being a stay-at-home mom is very isolating and often very lonely, especially when all your friends work. I love talking to my mom, not just because it allows me some adult conversation but also because I adore my mother.

8.     My Husband – Though he has the ability to be the most frustrating individual on the planet, he also manages to be the funniest individual. He never fails to make me laugh with his sick sense of humor, and witty one-liners.

9.     Vacation  - There are few things that make me smile more than the relaxed schedule of vacation. I love sleeping in, and lazing around. Seeing friends, as well as family. Getting out of Florida and back to the places I love.

10.  A Hot Shower – Our power went out for two days after hurricane Irma. I was unable to shower. My husband suggested I just take a cold shower, since the weather was hot and humid. To this suggestion I replied, “I would rather stink than take a cold shower.” Hot showers, the kind that steam up the mirror, are heavenly.