Anxiety's Illusion

 

Depression's Deception

At the beginning of January, I checked in with my psychiatrist. Together we determined that, despite my med regimen, I have been having some minor signs of depression, lack of motivation being the most prevalent sign. She recommended that I up the dosage of one of my three meds in an attempt to minimize my depression, give me more energy, and give me a little bit of motivation. In the last couple of weeks on the higher dose, I have noticed a slight increase in energy and motivation, though not the dramatic transformation I was expecting. The failure of my meds to transform my mood has left me thinking about the reality of chronic depression. The reality is that depression changes you. That despite my med regimen, and any therapy I seek, I will never experience life like I did before the depressive episode that sent me into a downward spiral. The highs and lows that existed before meds have been minimized, which is not a bad thing because the lows are not nearly as low, but the joy I felt during the highs has also been reduced. I often feel like a shell of my former self. I look in the mirror and don’t always recognize the person staring back at me. People do not often talk about how depression robs you of your strength and your bravery. It deceives you by altering your view of reality. The hopeful, fearless girl I once was has been replaced by a scared, anxious adult. Depression is struggle. It is sadness. I once felt that I had everything to gain and nothing to lose. Now I feel like I have everything to lose and very little to gain. In her song Used to be Mine Sarah Bareilles sings:

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for

 

Depression changes you! However, that change is not always for the worse.

Depression is humbling. And it is that humility that has made me a better person. When I was young, I was often arrogant and extremely quick to judge. At one point in time, I was against mental health medication (I believed therapy was enough), that is until my own mental health was in jeopardy, despite years of intensive therapy. Depression has taught me empathy. It has taught me patience. Though I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone, I can recognize that I am a better person for living it. Do I accept my mental health struggles? Not always. However, I know that though I have lost pieces of myself I have also discovered my capacity to love and empathize with others. I am still working on accepting my depression. I hope that one day I can learn to accept it for what it is, a part of myself rather than my whole self. 

A Journey Within: Describe The Road You Are Currently Traveling

    This road I travel is often bumpy and rocky. I frequently find myself wrong footed, twisting an ankle here, tweaking my back there. Some days the road is highly visible under clear skies, making it easier to traverse despite the challenging conditions. Other days the road is shrouded in fog and I stumble along not knowing which direction I am headed. Sometimes I crawl on hands and knees groping for a helping hand. Sunshine is often followed by rain, hail, and wind. However, the sun inevitably shines again, bringing with it clarity. Unfortunately, the cycle of sun, rain, hail, and wind is never ending, and the clarity is fleeting. It is a long and twisted road. Traversing this road often leaves me mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted, bruised, and battered. Sometimes I grieve my inability to see the end.

A Journey Within

    About 3 months ago, while perusing our local bookstore, I came across a journal titled “A Journey Within: An Introspective Activity Journal To Help You Get To Know Yourself Better”. Each page of the journal asks a question meant to help you examine yourself and your life. When I purchased the journal, I set myself the goal of answering one question a day, not only in an attempt to keep up my writing, but also in an attempt to better know my wants, needs, desires, and passions.  I hoped that by filling out a page a day I could enact necessary changes to reduce my anxiety and depression. Since purchasing the journal three months ago, I have answered one question. Filled out one page. I have picked the journal up several times over the past three months, flipped through the pages, browsed and pondered the questions, and ultimately closed the journal without adding any thoughts. Tonight, with a burning desire to write, I picked up the journal again with the intention of answering another question. However, none of the questions produced answers. I felt stuck. Instead, I picked up my computer and began this piece as an explanation of my current goal; to write answers to the questions in my journal and to publish them on my blog. I hope that in doing so I can not only share the gunk inside my brain (the whole purpose of my blog), but also motivate myself to actively engage with my journal in a positive and productive manner. 

The Reality of Diabetes Burnout

     Tonight, while changing my daughter’s insulin pod and continuous glucose monitor (CGM) sensor, I found myself in tears. Changing pods and sensors are regular occurrences in the life of a type 1 diabetic. Lily’s insulin pod must be changed every three days and her CGM sensor every ten days. I have made these changes every three and ten days for the last 8.5 years. These changes are such a regular occurrence that I can practically do them with my eyes closed. It normally takes me less than 5 minutes to change her insulin pod, and less than 3 to change her CGM sensor. Tonight, however, was a different story.

Lily likes to shower or bathe before changing her pod or CGM because it loosens the adhesive, making it less painful to remove the old pod or CGM sensor. Like other nights, Lily decided to shower before the pod and CGM sensor changes. Unlike other nights, Lily decided to lotion herself up because she suffers from a condition known as chicken skin, which can cause extremely bumpy and itchy skin. Tonight, apparently it was particularly bothersome. It wasn’t until I cleaned her insertion sight, that I realized how greasy her skin was. So greasy that not even an alcohol swab was able to remove the lotion from her skin. I had already gone through the process of prepping and priming the pod, and though I knew her skin was greasier than normal, I prayed that the pod would stick. Immediately upon application I realized that it was not going to stick, and I must repeat the whole process again, after Lily showered for a second time. This realization brought tears of frustration and anger to my eyes. 

I did not at first recognize where these emotions were coming from. It isn’t as if we haven’t run into snafus while changing pods and sensors in the past, but then I realized that was exactly why I was feeling frustrated and angry. Because nothing, I mean absolutely NOTHING about this disease is easy. I have read about diabetes burnout, and have at times, felt the inklings of it. However, tonight it seemed to hit me full force. The troubles we experienced changing the pod and sensor were just the straws that broke the camel’s back. 

For months we have been dealing with unsteady blood glucose numbers. Lily is high. Lily is low. Lily is really high. Lily is really low. There has been very little consistency and the stress that comes with these highs and lows has, I realized, been troubling me for a while. I have tried contacting the doctor to make adjustments and he has not been responding to my emails, only exacerbating my frustration and leaving me to try and figure out what adjustments need to be made where in order to help regulate her blood glucose. I am also the first point of contact for the school nurse because I am available and knowledgeable. The nurse can call anywhere between 1-4 times on any given day, leaving me on edge each and every time I hear the phone ring. Most times the nurse has a simple question, but I dread the day I get a phone call that Lily has passed out from an extreme low. My nerves are shot, and diabetes is to blame.

There is a plethora of research out there on diabetes burnout. “Diabetes burnout refers to a state of feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and disillusioned stemming from living with and managing diabetes.” Diabetes burnout can affect both those living with diabetes and caretakers of those with diabetes. Tonight, I felt both emotionally overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. Despite these feelings, I won’t quit. I won’t quit fighting for Lily’s physical and emotional health and well-being. I won’t quit searching for answers to perplexing questions. I won’t quit bugging her doctors for information that will make her life easier. I can’t quit because her life literally depends upon my diligence.

Dreams

 

Prayer (A New Year's Resolution)

 Last night, I prayed for the first time in what seems like ages. When I say I prayed, I mean I said a prayer other than “God protect us” or “In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit”. I prayed the Lord’s Prayer focusing intently on its meaning. When I finished with the Lord’s Prayer, I prayed a Hail Mary, trying desperately to feel the immediate presence of God.

            Before I was struck with crippling anxiety and depression, I had an overwhelming awareness of God’s presence in my everyday life. When life was difficult, sad, or at times lonely, I could feel, deep down in my gut, that He was present; that things were going to be OK; that I was not walking alone. During life’s most tumultuous moments, a sense of peace would settle over me. I experienced a certain clarity of mind. There was always a light at the end of the tunnel. The right people came into my life at just the right moments. People with whom I shared a special connection. God’s presence was not only felt but known.

            Unfortunately, anxiety and depression have a way of robbing you of your peace of mind, clarity, and connections. Even with medication management, I am in a constant state of turmoil, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for life to throw me a crushing curve ball. Most days, I feel unable to carry the weight of my responsibilities and feel as if I am deep within a mine shaft with no visible light. Anxiety and depression have robbed me of my peace of mind. They have exposed and exploited my vulnerabilities and fears, and in doing so have made faith, and trust in my gut nearly impossible. I feel as if I am simply a shell of my former self. Though I still believe in God, I no longer feel His presence. He is no longer a known entity. 

            Because of my mental health, and the battles I continue to fight, I can’t envision my relationship with God ever being the same as it once was. Relationships, even those with a deity, are complicated and require constant care. As the new year approaches, I have vowed to care more for myself, to nurture my relationship with myself. I hope that in doing so, I will have the energy to nurture all the relationships in my life, including my relationship with God.