Prayer (A New Year's Resolution)

 Last night, I prayed for the first time in what seems like ages. When I say I prayed, I mean I said a prayer other than “God protect us” or “In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit”. I prayed the Lord’s Prayer focusing intently on its meaning. When I finished with the Lord’s Prayer, I prayed a Hail Mary, trying desperately to feel the immediate presence of God.

            Before I was struck with crippling anxiety and depression, I had an overwhelming awareness of God’s presence in my everyday life. When life was difficult, sad, or at times lonely, I could feel, deep down in my gut, that He was present; that things were going to be OK; that I was not walking alone. During life’s most tumultuous moments, a sense of peace would settle over me. I experienced a certain clarity of mind. There was always a light at the end of the tunnel. The right people came into my life at just the right moments. People with whom I shared a special connection. God’s presence was not only felt but known.

            Unfortunately, anxiety and depression have a way of robbing you of your peace of mind, clarity, and connections. Even with medication management, I am in a constant state of turmoil, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for life to throw me a crushing curve ball. Most days, I feel unable to carry the weight of my responsibilities and feel as if I am deep within a mine shaft with no visible light. Anxiety and depression have robbed me of my peace of mind. They have exposed and exploited my vulnerabilities and fears, and in doing so have made faith, and trust in my gut nearly impossible. I feel as if I am simply a shell of my former self. Though I still believe in God, I no longer feel His presence. He is no longer a known entity. 

            Because of my mental health, and the battles I continue to fight, I can’t envision my relationship with God ever being the same as it once was. Relationships, even those with a deity, are complicated and require constant care. As the new year approaches, I have vowed to care more for myself, to nurture my relationship with myself. I hope that in doing so, I will have the energy to nurture all the relationships in my life, including my relationship with God.