Body Positivity

I read a lot of articles these days about body positivity. Articles written by models that in the height of their modeling careers were excruciatingly beautiful and possessed out of this world bodies. Many of these models have since gotten out of modeling. They have aged, gained weight, and gained perspective. One such model posted before and after photos on Instagram showing herself during her modeling days, thin and glamorous, and showing herself today, still glamorous but rather plus sized. In her post, she describes how she had always equated happiness with thinness, but has realized over the years that being thin does not buy happiness. She is, in fact, happier now in her plus sized body than she ever was thin. Every time I read these articles, I am hit with a tinge of jealousy.

Today I am heavier than I have ever been and feel more unattractive than I ever have. With age has come the death of my metabolism. Combine my age with depression, anxiety, two kids, little time and little motivation and what has resulted is 15 pounds in extra weight. Stress combined with little sleep has left me with a permanent crease between my eyebrows and ever-darkening circles under my eyes. Though my acne has been under control for the past 6 months or so, due to numerous creams and oral medications, pregnancy left me with pigmentation changes giving the appearance of scarring.

A couple of days ago, while browsing my Timehop, I came upon a picture I had posted from my high school graduation. In it I look fresh, beautiful, hopeful, and confident! Even my wedding photos show me happy, healthy, and full of life. As the years have passed, the light has slowly but surely drained from my eyes. My appearance has become more haggard, and my expressions less joyful. Life has taken its toll on my appearance.  Or maybe I have just ceased to care to the same extent I used to. Whatever the reason, today, I rarely post photos on Facebook of myself because every time I have one taken, or take one myself, I think I look awful and am too embarrassed to share.

I wish I could have the same confidence as the body positive models that I have been reading about. I wish I had the energy to care more. I wish I could accept my stretch marks, cellulite, and rolls. I wish I weren’t so tired, stressed, and depressed about my body. I wish I could focus on the positive, those things I still like, such as my full lips, and blue eyes. I wish I could not only do these things for me, but also for my daughters, whom I preach body positivity to, but struggle to embrace myself.  I wish the light that is buried deep inside me could sneak past the darkness and be reflected each morning in my mirror.

10 Things That Make Me Smile

 As I wandered around Target this morning, I felt a deep satisfaction. When I left with a Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino in hand, my heart felt happy. This is part of a 30-day stress relief challenge. 10 Things that make me smile, in no particular order.

1.     Target – How can one not love the environment and products that Target displays? Though the store has the ability to bankrupt my checking account, it make me feel deeply satisfied while doing so.

2.     Pumpkin Spice – Pumpkin spice chai, pumpkin spice Frappuccino’s, pumpkin spice donuts, if it has pumpkin in it, I’ll eat it and do so happily.

3.     Fall Weather – Though we don’t get to experience much fall weather here in Florida, every once in awhile the weather acts like it wants to be fall, it just doesn’t know how. Yesterday was one of those days. A cool breeze blew and shadows seemed to lengthen. Unfortunately, it was still hot as blazes, but those whisperings of fall were there.

4.     Hallmark Movies – I had the rare opportunity to sit and watch two Hallmark movies, yesterday. Though completely formulaic, and utterly predictable, I love that each love story ends with a happily ever after.

5.     A Long Nap – I rarely get to nap anymore, but when I do there is nothing more satisfying then dozing off in the middle of the day and waking up feeling refreshed and ready to finish the day.

6.     The Sound of My Children Playing Nicely Together – I love listening to my children playing together nicely. When their wild imaginations wander freely but in sync with the others, I experience a moment of satisfaction.

7.     Talking to my Mom on the Phone Each Morning – Being a stay-at-home mom is very isolating and often very lonely, especially when all your friends work. I love talking to my mom, not just because it allows me some adult conversation but also because I adore my mother.

8.     My Husband – Though he has the ability to be the most frustrating individual on the planet, he also manages to be the funniest individual. He never fails to make me laugh with his sick sense of humor, and witty one-liners.

9.     Vacation  - There are few things that make me smile more than the relaxed schedule of vacation. I love sleeping in, and lazing around. Seeing friends, as well as family. Getting out of Florida and back to the places I love.

10.  A Hot Shower – Our power went out for two days after hurricane Irma. I was unable to shower. My husband suggested I just take a cold shower, since the weather was hot and humid. To this suggestion I replied, “I would rather stink than take a cold shower.” Hot showers, the kind that steam up the mirror, are heavenly.

Experiencing Gratefulness

           I will never forget the first time I brought Lily to her endocrinologist here in Tampa.  Sitting in the waiting room, a woman and her daughter of 9 or 10 years old entered and sat down. The woman meekly smiled at me and, looking at Lily, who was 2 years old at the time, said, “Please tell me she isn’t diabetic.” I returned her smile and informed her that, yes, indeed she is. The woman looked visibly upset. Her daughter said, “I was just diagnosed 6 months ago.” We began to chat a bit. I told her that Lily had been diagnosed at 19 months old. She informed me that she was having a hard time with carb counting. She didn’t totally understand it. Before I had time to reply, the nurse called her and her daughter to a room. Our appointment proceeded as all endocrinologist appointments do. Lily’s weight and height were taken, her A1C was tested, and the doctor discussed areas that needed improvement. As we walked to check out, the woman and her daughter that were sitting with us in the waiting room were also exiting. However, the mother was visibly upset. Tears streamed down her face as she exclaimed, “I just want to get out of here.”  I wanted to tell her that it would get easier, that I too had been there, on the verge of tears, every day. I wanted to stop her and hug her to let her know that it would be all right. Instead I stood motionless and speechless. I regret my inaction to this day.

On our second visit to Lily’s endocrinologist, I encountered another mother and her daughter. A little girl around 6 or 7 who was bound to a wheelchair, unable to move, verbalize, or eat independently. The mother and I struck up a conversation after another patient expressed his dissatisfaction with the wait time. The mother informed me that she was at the hospital two to three times a week having her daughter’s blood drawn due to a series of complications, including thyroid issues and diabetes. She was disgusted with the impatience of the other patient, exclaiming, “You do what you have to for your child, even if that means waiting for some time.” I wholeheartedly agreed with her before the nurse called Lily and me.

Both experiences taught me a valuable lesson in gratefulness. Not only could my daughter be a lot worse off, like the little wheelchair bound girl, but I could also lack the emotional and/or intellectual capacity to care for Lily. Unlike the mother I met upon our first visit to the endocrinologist, I have never had a hard time conceiving the math required to take care of a diabetic child. Carb counting can be tricky and is often a guessing game, but today’s nutritional information makes it significantly easier.  I am grateful that, despite her disease, my daughter can lead a normal life. I am even grateful for the growth I have experienced due to this experience. I have found a strength I didn’t know I possessed and have dealt with situations that, in the past, I would have shied from or been unable to handle emotionally. I am grateful for my daughter and her disease.

Heat + Humidity = Hell

             Living in Baltimore, when Lucy was a baby, I used to walk with her six to eight miles a day. We would wake up, eat breakfast, and then head out for a walk to Starbucks and the playground. We returned just in time for lunch and a nap. After waking up from our nap, we would head out again. This time walking to Jody’s work to visit with him for an hour or so before heading home for dinner. Only sickness or rain would keep us from this routine. However, our well days generally out numbered our sick days and the weather in Baltimore was usually tolerable year round (though I admit that a handful of summer days were intolerably hot).

            Vermont, though cold in the winter, still allowed me my daily walks and began my long distance running career. When cold, I would bundle myself in layers, snuggly wrap Lucy or Lily in the stroller, and head out the door. Spring, though often wet and rainy, was mild enough to walk and run. Summer was ideal, and fall was breathtakingly beautiful for both walking and running.

            I now live in Florida where heat and humidity combine for 6 months of the year, making any type of exercise unbearably tiring and wholly unenjoyable. As I walked this morning, I found myself dragging along at a snail’s pace. My legs felt like lead, throwing my back out and making it difficult to stand up straight. The heat and humidity zapped my strength. Before even setting out, sweat was pooling on my brow and dripping down my back. My lungs felt constricted, fighting hard to breathe in the moisture naturally inherent in the air. I returned home drenched, drained, and depressed.

            Walking and running have always been stress relievers and outlets for my anxiety and depression.  A good walk or run has, in the past, never failed to make me feel better when down. They have always been instruments of joy. However, as I walked this morning all I could think of was how much I hated it. How much I would rather be lounging in the air conditioning. How much I despise this time of year in Florida.

            To be fair, Florida does have several bearable months, where the humidity disappears and the air dries out. However, you cannot depend on the heat to disappear completely. Last year we were in the 80’s for most of the winter. For now, I must power through the thick moist air and pray that this winter we see milder temperatures and more amicable walking weather. Both my mental and physical health depend upon it.