Body Positivity

I read a lot of articles these days about body positivity. Articles written by models that in the height of their modeling careers were excruciatingly beautiful and possessed out of this world bodies. Many of these models have since gotten out of modeling. They have aged, gained weight, and gained perspective. One such model posted before and after photos on Instagram showing herself during her modeling days, thin and glamorous, and showing herself today, still glamorous but rather plus sized. In her post, she describes how she had always equated happiness with thinness, but has realized over the years that being thin does not buy happiness. She is, in fact, happier now in her plus sized body than she ever was thin. Every time I read these articles, I am hit with a tinge of jealousy.

Today I am heavier than I have ever been and feel more unattractive than I ever have. With age has come the death of my metabolism. Combine my age with depression, anxiety, two kids, little time and little motivation and what has resulted is 15 pounds in extra weight. Stress combined with little sleep has left me with a permanent crease between my eyebrows and ever-darkening circles under my eyes. Though my acne has been under control for the past 6 months or so, due to numerous creams and oral medications, pregnancy left me with pigmentation changes giving the appearance of scarring.

A couple of days ago, while browsing my Timehop, I came upon a picture I had posted from my high school graduation. In it I look fresh, beautiful, hopeful, and confident! Even my wedding photos show me happy, healthy, and full of life. As the years have passed, the light has slowly but surely drained from my eyes. My appearance has become more haggard, and my expressions less joyful. Life has taken its toll on my appearance.  Or maybe I have just ceased to care to the same extent I used to. Whatever the reason, today, I rarely post photos on Facebook of myself because every time I have one taken, or take one myself, I think I look awful and am too embarrassed to share.

I wish I could have the same confidence as the body positive models that I have been reading about. I wish I had the energy to care more. I wish I could accept my stretch marks, cellulite, and rolls. I wish I weren’t so tired, stressed, and depressed about my body. I wish I could focus on the positive, those things I still like, such as my full lips, and blue eyes. I wish I could not only do these things for me, but also for my daughters, whom I preach body positivity to, but struggle to embrace myself.  I wish the light that is buried deep inside me could sneak past the darkness and be reflected each morning in my mirror.