There's Nothing Like a Sick Kid to Trigger My Anxiety

            Last week Lily contracted, what I thought was a small stomach bug. Slight diarrhea, a day without an appetite, and a small fever for a couple of hours. The diarrhea lasted a couple of days, though her appetite returned and the fever disappeared. However, her stool, a week later, though not diarrhea, is still not back to normal and this morning she not only had no appetite again but also spiked a fever again. Two days ago, I felt like I had contracted a bit of her bug, and I have worried all week about Lucy getting sick. The Lorazepam that I try only to take in situations of extreme anxiety has been on hand all week.

I realize that most mothers worry when their kids are sick. If they don’t worry, they pretty much think having sick kids sucks.  I on the other hand don’t just worry I fret, I sweat, I practically hyperventilate. Some of this reaction is just a normal part of my anxiety. However, some of the heightened anxiety is due to having a child with a chronic disease.

What most people don’t realize about diabetes is that it is affected by the slightest changes in the body. Lily’s sugars can spike or drop depending on hormonal changes, heat, mood/stress, or illness. Stomach viruses cause low blood sugar. Bringing those sugars up can be challenging when she is unable or unwilling to eat. Fevers cause high blood sugar, which if gone unchecked can lead to diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA), the state Lily was in when she was first diagnosed and resulted in a three-day trip to intensive care. These facts alone exacerbate my anxiety, but the unpredictability of the disease, the dependence on numbers leave me on the verge of weeping, upsets my stomach, and can, if I let it go unchecked, render me incapable of taking care of my daughter.

Even though I don’t necessarily have the same reactions when Lucy gets sick, I worry just as much. Horrible stories of children who have died as a result of simple diseases constantly circulate through my thoughts. Lucy’s own anxiety over getting sick contributes to my heightened anxiety.  I ask too many questions about how she is feeling, hover too much, Lysol frequently, and become a general annoyance to her and everyone in the house.

Having sick kids just doesn’t suck it consumes every aspect of my mental and physical health. So the next time you see me lecturing my children about washing their hands, or disinfecting every surface known to man, you can laugh, but do so empathetically.

Playing Well With Others Is Not My Forte Part 2

        Back in October, my oldest, Lucy decided that she wanted to give Girl Scouts a try. What attracted her to the notion, I am not sure, but she got it in her head that Girl Scouts was going to be the thing for her. Being a child who thought Girl Scouts was nothing but a group of clicky nerds, I was not anxious to sign her up. I avoided finding a troop for Lucy for nearly two months before her incessant nagging forced me to act. Eventually, I found a troop two minutes from our house and we began attending meetings. Before I knew it we were crafting, hiking, and selling cookies with a vengeance.

Lucy has been having the time of her life making new friends and earning badges, which I regularly have the joy of ironing on her Brownie vest, while up until recently, and the arrival of a couple of new mothers, I have struggled to make small talk with the other parents and adopt the positive attitude toward group activities promoted by the Girls Scouts and Lucy’s troop leaders.

You see, it is common knowledge that I neither like to nor am I good at playing well with others. This glaring personality trait often leaves me on the outside of large social circles, a loner due to my inability to tolerate the inefficiency, drama, and heap of steaming crap that almost always are inherent in group relationships.  I have learned over the years not to subject myself to large social circles and activities involving groups. It is, quite frankly better for everyone involved that I stick to my small social circle and myself. Girls Scouts, however, has not allowed me the solidarity that I am so comfortable with and has left me on more than one occasion miserable.

Lucy’s troop sold enough cookies this year that they earned a trip to LEGOLAND. Her troop leaders, the girls, and many of the parents found this news exciting. I almost immediately began dreading a group trip to a theme park, and on a Saturday no less. As the days went by and the discussions around the logistics of the trip became more and more detailed, I began looking for every excuse under the sun why we couldn’t and shouldn’t go and verbally expressed my concerns to Lucy. Lucy, however, would not be swayed.

Therefore, this morning we set off for LEGOLAND, with my anti-anxiety pills in my bag. The trip was everything I imagined it would be. A complete cluster-fuck, in which Lucy ended up melting down after an hour because of the rigidity of the rules involved. The most annoying of which were the inability to separate from the large group of 13 girls and their parents, and the troop leaders insistence that the girls spend every waking moment with the buddies they were assigned, not those they would have chosen themselves. After 3.5 hours with a total of 4 rides and one show under our belt even Lucy had had enough. We opted instead for lunch outside the park and a relaxing evening at home.

I was once again reminded that playing with others only brings me misery and that not even my anti-anxiety pills can take the edge off.