Each night, as I prepare the girls for bed, I also
prepare myself for bed. Eight thirty lights out for the girls is also my lights
out. However, I usually end up laying wide awake for the next hour or so until
Lily’s squirming and wriggling subsides and Lucy’s eyes become too tired to
read anymore. It isn’t until I switch on
Pandora’s spa radio, and the girl’s drift off to sleep, that I am finally able
to relax enough to sleep myself. It
would be wonderful if that were the end of the story and I woke up refreshed
the next morning. Unfortunately, it is only the beginning of a long night of
anxiety-inducing dreams, restlessness, and insomnia.
Last night, somewhere between the hours of 4am and
5:30am, I dreamt that I was back in my parents Baltimore house, although the house
was bigger and grander than in reality. In my dream, I couldn’t close my mouth.
Upon investigation, I discovered that I had five or six fishhooks wedged in my
gums, which I proceeded to remove myself with needle-nose pliers. I thought removing the fishhooks would rectify my oral issues. However, my
teeth soon became loose and began falling out. I stood staring in the bathroom
mirror horrified and frozen, afraid of the procedures I would have to endure to
restore my teeth. I woke up this morning practically hyperventilating and
running my tongue along my teeth in the hopes that they were all still there.
This is only one of a series of strange, anxiety-inducing dreams that I
experience each night in the short stints that I am actually asleep.
These dreams, along with the worries of the day, leave me
tossing and turning most of the night. I wrestle with the covers half the time,
either too hot or too cold, too covered or not covered enough. My pajamas wrap
around my legs, squeezing the life out of them.
My restlessness is in part due to the quality of Jody’s sleep. Some
nights he tosses and turns digging his knee into my back or twitching so
violently that I am forced to the couch.
I also suffer from acute insomnia. Initially falling
asleep isn’t too much of an issue. However, staying asleep or falling back to
sleep once I am awake is a constant problem. I have to wake up each morning at
3am to test Lily. This would not be that much of an issue could I sleep
consistently between 9:30om and 3am. However, I usually wake up at least once
during that time period and sometime don’t fall back to sleep before having to
test Lily. Once I am up and out of bed, have gone to the bathroom, and tested
Lily, I lay awake for another hour or two, unable to drift back to sleep.
Again, this would not be an issue if I could sleep in. However, every weekday
morning Jody’s alarm goes off at 5:50am, waking me up. My own alarm, which goes
off at 6:30am, is pointless, as I am already awake most mornings. However,
getting out of bed seems next to impossible due to my exhaustion from a night
with little sleep.
My sleep habits make functioning on a daily basis
difficult. They affect my anxiety, my energy levels, my brain function, and
most of all my motivation. There was a time when sleep wasn’t an issue for me.
In fact there was a time when I, literally, slept like a log. I do not know how
many earthquakes I learned occurred the morning after while growing up in
California. In Baltimore, I slept through fire engines outside my window, only
to learn the next morning from my neighbor that there had been a fire across
the street. Thunderstorms never disturbed me. Today, I long for that deep
restful sleep. I long to wake up refreshed and ready for my day. I long for the
motivation and relaxation that come from a good night’s sleep. And I fear that
I may never experience it again.
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