I once again find myself in an
unknown city surrounded by people, none of whom I know. I am not a stranger to
moving, and yet, this move seems to be hitting me unusually hard. My lack of family, friends, or acquaintances
of any kind combined with a totally new environment is feeding on long held
fears of being alone and lost. My dreams each night have been riddled with
anxiety. And I am passing my days trying to grasp the very real fact that this
is now home.
I have been trying, among the chaos
of two children to build a nest by unpacking our familiar and comforting
belongings. However, progress is slow and often times labored. Boxes sit
opened, yet unattended, in every room of the house, their contents longing to
find their place, asking for help in turning the chaos into calm. However, the
overwhelming presence of so many unattended boxes filled with what seem to be,
at this point, nonessential items stops me in my tracks and drains my
motivation. Our house is, at the moment, fairly clutter free. However, I know
that unloading these boxes will invite my children to adopt their old routine
of messing just to mess, overwhelming me further. Therefore, the boxes sit.
And at night, I sit. Too exhausted
by the days activities, by my children’s worries and fears, and by the
emotional turmoil I feel about leaving a place I loved and people I cared for
to accomplish anything more than morphing into a couch potato. I pray that
sleep is kind to me, that my anxiety and fears subside, and that tomorrow
brings more productivity and peace.
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